Summer in November

A Life Well Lived

Today as we honor the mothers in our lives it seems fitting to honor Granny. I shared at her funeral that honoring her that day was the most difficult yet simultaneously the easiest thing I’ve ever done as she lived in such a way that it was incredibly easy to honor.

Granny. So strong and so loving, I’ve heard many say, she made me feel like I was her own…and that’s because you were in her heart.

Her love was big and all-encompassing. As a family we all knew that her heart was so big it had to be shared. There was no separation in her worlds, they all collided and we were all invited on the journey.

Wherever she was, home was there too…for so many.

She was so secure and confident in who she was created to be and I know that’s how she was able to love so big and graciously.

She was so kind and so classy…such a lady.

And so fun and so independent…yet so beautifully dependent on her Lord and Savior.

And so gifted…and so fierce…ever played a game of spoons with her? She would leave with the spoon and you’d leave bleeding (I have scars to prove it)…and did I mention so fun, and spontaneous …yet consistent in the most comforting way …and talented …and down to earth and humble and an incredible leader and so loyal; she was a loyal wife, mom, friend, sister, grandmother, and minister.

Ministry was her life and many people know Jesus because of her.

She was and is everything good.

She would do so so so much for so many. I’ve always been in awe and wonder of how she would do it all. It was never to be seen by anyone, but always because it was who she was and what she felt was right in her heart.

Daddy, you get that from her.

I’ve always wanted to be just like her. I’ve always wanted to be her shadow and right underneath her feet …just near her…and she would let me. She had a way about her that she could go on and do all of her daily duties while inviting people along the journey, I thought it was the best when I was a little girl when she said that I was her assistant (I never grew out of thinking that was the best…).

I would open the door for those that were coming to discuss which cakes they wanted for their special event and I would walk them to her office, aka the dining room. I took my job very seriously…she always made people feel important. And side note about cakes: my daily childhood snack was cake batter with frosting on each fingertip (and all us grandkids said, “AMEN!”)…and I didn’t know until I moved away to college that sugar isn’t actually good for you …like I was raised to believe …and not everyone goes to weddings mainly for the cake.

Granny never made you feel like an inconvenience but always made sure you knew that you had a place with her. I would sit at her counter and watch her for hours as she made candy roses and decorated her cakes (it is always amazing to hear from so many just how many cakes she made, it had to of been thousands – I know she loved making cakes, but I know she loved being part of your special moments even more)

She was mesmerizing. There’s no other way to describe it.

I could (and I did) watch her for hours.

And then, she would always let me try and decorate and make those same candied roses. She would hold my hands and show me how, but I couldn’t make a flower like her no matter how many times tried.

She had an ease about her that not only made what she was doing look easy, but would also put others at ease around her.

I watched (so many times) people’s cares leave at her doorstep as they walked right into her house…because what even was a door bell?

People knew they could come on in and she liked it that way.

And when they would leave, Granny almost never let you leave empty handed. You’d leave with some cake crumbs, or candy, or an entire pound cake…

I can remember in college I would “grocery shop” in her house. She’d laugh as she walked me to my car (as she always would – you know us southerners don’t know how to say a simple goodbye, it lasts a good fifteen minutes) and I had rolls of toilet paper to take back to my college apartment and clean laundry she had just folded.

She lived by example — she didn’t have to teach with her words but rather she taught with her actions.

She showed us how to love by loving.

She made each person that she was with feel like the most important person in the room.

Anytime I would walk in her house, she would have little notepads everywhere with to-do lists: people she wanted to call, people she was going to pick up, people she was praying for, praise reports— her life was a life dedicated to people.

She never made it seem like a job but rather it’s just who she was.

Loyalty oozed from her. She would always send cards and packages at what seemed like the very perfect timing.

I will never forget as a newlywed (and new pastor’s wife) her sending me a clipping from a paper about being a pastor’s wife and her handwritten recipes. She knew the new shoes I found myself in and she was so sensitive to the needs of others.

I will treasure her handwritten letters for my entire life.

Because of her I will love harder. I will live with intention. I will live in such a way that I can look back and say I lived a good long life – because that is exactly what she did.

This last Thanksgiving, I was curled up next to her on her outside swing and I asked her,

“Granny if you could give me one piece of life advice what would it be?”

…and in true Granny fashion she didn’t answer me directly but rather she answered in such a way that it caused me to think and figure it out myself…but she said,

“You know, with me being nearly 84 and your papa 86 and with 64 years of marriage… I just think the good Lord for a good long life and I’m so grateful for our kids they do so much for us.”

That was it …and I just kept thinking over her words (as I often would) because they were and ARE truly the most valuable thing I own. I realized her life advice is stay committed, even when it’s hard, stay loyal and true and love your family hard and be grateful most for the people God has given you.

My Granny had many gifts and talents but up there at the top was her gift of gathering people…she did this up until her last breath where she was surrounded by her family…she gathered us.

She was so intentional about gathering her family… and making sure we each had something we wanted to eat at the table. I can remember I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my daughter (which was in mid-November) and she said,

“Well, baby…do you think you’ll make it to Thanksgiving this year?”

And I laughed, “Yes, Granny, I think I’ll be at Thanksgiving.”

And while I know nothing will ever be the same, I smile as I know that many lives were touched by my granny’s life and you know…my Granny was great at planting things (and keeping them alive) and well, I don’t know much about planting (I am learning more about it in her honor, though!) but I do know this…my grandmother has planted something in each of us and I smile because when you plant something and you tend to it…it grows.

I challenge us today to take every bit of wisdom, love, and joy that we have received from my granny and we make it grow in honor of her legacy.

Let’s extend our tables and our hearts and love each other well because that’s what she would want and that’s what she dedicated her life to…and that is how we can honor her.

And I want nothing more than for my life to honor her life. I spent several nights in the ICU with her, I just wanted to be close to her. I would just hold her hand and get on my knees and I would beg and plead with God to not take her…she was one of the greatest treasures that God has ever given me.

The last thing I wrote in my prayer journal was, “God, Do the miraculous.” And I can’t think of anything more miraculous than my granny being completely healed completely set free and with the one that created her.

I prayed,

“God you created her lungs… so restore them, make them better than they were before she got in this hospital.”

I then prayed, “God let her latter-days be greater than her former days…”

I prayed all of those things with all my heart and I can tell you with everything in me that God answered those prayers.

He did the most miraculous thing that Saturday with her family by her side as she took her last breath and then with the next she was with her creator. I found a note from her that said,

“We are only one breath away from eternity.”

She was right. Let’s make our breaths count.

She is my kindred heart; my greatest friend and I will live a life of gratitude that she was mine.

Family First

On New Year’s Eve we started our day with brunch, a walk on the beach with my family of three and a time of daydreaming together for the new year. After our time on the beach, we called our parents, followed by me calling my Granny, per usual. I had her on speaker phone as I usually would so that my husband could hear us talk. He always said listening to Granny and I talk to each other was one of his favorite things in life. My southern twang would come in strong to match hers and we would connect like only we could. I talked with her about our walk on the beach and what we planned for New Year’s Eve. I told her that we were going to eat all the traditional foods and John joined in saying that he never knew about the foods that we grew up eating on New Year’s Day…Granny and I laughed when I told her that I had trained him up in the Lake City ways. Then Granny said, “Me and Papa got smart and let Cracker Barrel do all the work for us”…So of course I said that was a smart move and I’d be doing that next year….

Then, as always, she asked if we were having church service that Wednesday. We shared that we were not having a service, as Pastor was letting families spend the day together…and then she said it, a phrase that has shifted everything in my life…

“Well, there was a family before there was a church.”

She said this not to prove any point, but said it in an effortless, lighthearted kind of way…

She knew the importance of gathering together. This was a woman who spent the majority of her life dedicated to the ministry. She was the definition of faithful. She would show up every time the doors of the church were open and then some…and when she was not in the church, her home was a safe haven for many. She (unintentionally) was reminding us that before there was an establishment, there was a family unit…and true ministry starts there. If this woman only knew how much of my everyday is molded by the unintentional wisdom she spoke into my life…by her actions and sometimes by her words.

In this time where we are all forced to slow down, go home, and spend time with our families (maybe more than we ever have)…remember, there was a family first. My prayer is that we would all experience unexpected healing and wholeness through this unexpected time of togetherness.

A Letter to my Daughter on Mother’s Day

My Dear Summer Kate,

As we celebrate Mother’s Day today, I find myself thinking of you the most…& as I think of you, I realize you won’t always be the toddler you are today. You will grow and as you grow, you will have to stand and be courageous in an ever-changing world. So on Mother’s Day, and every day, my prayer is that I get truth down deep in your heart, because baby, for every promise there’s a lie. I need you to know the promises so you can discern the lies.

God has placed gifts within you that nobody, no, not one person, can take from you. Don’t let the opinions of others keep you from the God-given dreams and desires that He’s placed within you. You can do it all, every single one of the things God has put on your heart, you can do it. A wise person once told me, “The opinions of others is none of our business.” Live your life strong baby-girl, don’t let the negative voices stop you. Remember, our independence and confidence comes directly from our dependency on God.

As much as I would love for your life to be all happiness and rainbows, I know that you will inevitably face hardship from time to time. But girl, God has made you strong, and even in times of weakness, His strength is made perfect in you. Hard times will produce a strength in you that you didn’t even know was there. Don’t let any of the hard times overwhelm you…and don’t let them harden your heart. The world needs your strength, but it also needs your gentle heart…and your laughter and your silliness. Don’t you lose your laughter, it is the sweetest medicine. A good sense of humor is one of life’s greatest gifts.

And baby along the way, love people and live generously with what God gives you. He always repays in the most miraculous ways, just trust me on this one.

People won’t always understand why you do the things you do, don’t feel like you have to explain yourself. Your life will speak louder than any words you could ever speak. My prayer is that a bold life of obedience to the Lord is the loudest part of your life. He will lead you down the paths you need to take, that will lead you to the right people, that will lead you to the God dreams within you. Trust. He will let you know when to speak, and when to keep silent. Jesus was the master of this. Study the Word and do as Jesus did. Meekness is not weakness, but strength under control. Just because you have something to say, doesn’t mean you have to say it.

I am always here…always.

I love you “so big much” my girl,

Your Mama

Pure Joy

There she is, Summer Kate.

Sometimes late at night, when I should just put the phone away, I look at pictures…which often leads to some reminiscing. Anyone else?

Before we found out we were having a girl, I was totally convinced we would have a boy! Growing up with three brothers I couldn’t imagine having a little girl first, but, the name Summer Kate kept coming to my mind. I thought, weird…why am I thinking of little girl names?! We are so going to have a little boy!

Then, at a surprise gender reveal photoshoot, from the most incredible friends, we found out we were having our girl!

Instantly I had tears that I couldn’t hold back. I had never experienced that kind of emotion before and I’ll never forget that day.

We’ve had this incredible bond before she ever took her first breath.

So, why the name Summer Kate?

Summer reminds me of all things that bring so much joy & Kate means pure.

Baby, you’re living up to your name, because you are absolutely pure joy.

The Yellow House

The yellow house we call home, is older than John, Summer Kate and I, all combined. Before moving to Jacksonville, we drove out to this property that was available for rent, and I knew that we had found the right place for this time. The day we moved, it was an extremely hot, Florida, summer day. Our amazing family drove over and moved us in one day. Did I mention it was hot? Like, HOT. We got the moving truck over to Jacksonville and our church family helped us put all the boxes in the shed and we the furniture in the house. My dad and I were setting up a bedroom whenever the sky opened up and it began to flood. Literally, the things we had JUST unloaded from the moving truck to the shed, flooded. I looked at Dad and he just laughed, which made me laugh, he always knows how to calm me. My mother in love was sweeping out water and moving things to higher ground, our landlord digging a trench around the shed, we were all moving like crazy. My mom was steady working, I’m sure praying, in true Mama Kay fashion. It was then that the yellow house taught me that what matters most were the people around me in that moment, not the things around me. Those THINGS could get ruined in a moment and life would go on. As I thought back to that day, it made me think of a few other things this past year has taught (is teaching) me…

The yellow house taught me that you don’t have to have it all together, to have people together. We were hardly moved in and we were having people over over for dinner, or popping over just to hang. The yellow house taught me that community and letting people in our lives (even when it’s far from perfect) matters more than having it all together. Home is where my people are.

The yellow house taught me that even though I don’t have the latest decor up in my house, that every piece that is up represents someone or something special to me. The quilt on the spare bed is the same quilt from her one year photos on the beach and the same quilt that she opened her presents on at her second birthday, it’s just becoming more and more special to me every year. That quilt, that was just a blanket, now has meaning. The frame in Summer’s room, with seashells glued to the bottom are the shells we collected on her first birthday. I love looking over on my nightstand to the huge seashell my dad picked for me one summer vacation and the table runner on our dresser from our wedding. The decorations hung in the living room, my Father in Law built, a friend from Louisiana took one of the pictures, a friend from Louisiana made the frame, my best friend gave me the photo of the world that says “GO” reminding me wherever we find ourselves and wherever we go, God commands us to go and make, wooden decor from a first mission’s trip, another handmade “T” from our aunt and uncle. The picture of John and I praying before our wedding day placed somewhere we will both look everyday to remind us that what God joined together, let no one tear apart. One day I will fill our home with new pieces, but for now I find joy looking at all of the things that take my mind back to the people who made them. All of these things make this house, our home.

The yellow house taught me to BE. To rest. To enjoy life. To value people over perfection. The yellow house taught me to be content.

The yellow house taught me to be more intentional. Those free times at home? Facetime a friend that’s on my heart. Take every moment to love the people God has so graciously placed in my life. Whenever someone says they need to talk, tell them to come on over, and we will solve all the problems over prayer and folding laundry together.

The yellow house taught me that quirkiness makes us, us, and to embrace it.

The yellow house has taught me and is still teaching me to be a better person. I can only imagine all the history this yellow house has and we are just a small part of it’s story. My daughter loves her “home.” She will look at me and say, “I home. I stay heeere” or she will say, “I want ____ at my home.” She always wants to have her friends/family over and that fills my heart with joy. I pray she always finds it normal to have people over and know we will make the room for others to come. I love that whenever people walk in they say they feel like they’re at home. I will always look back and remember the candlelit date nights on our front porch, my daughter taking her first steps in the living room, having her little friends over to play and so much more. It may seem like a simple time, but it’s a full time. My heart overflows with gratefulness.

The people behind every life moment are the true treasures in life…and I feel like the richest girl in the world.

Mama

Mama,

You are beautiful. Anyone could look at you and tell you that, but what makes you the most beautiful is your heart. You have no idea the impact you have made and continue to make on my life.

I cannot remember a time you weren’t there championing me on.

I found myself laughing on Halloween. As I gathered materials together to attempt making a costume for Summer Kate, I thought back to all of the costumes you made me over the years. It was completely normal to pick up a costume pattern in the crafts section, because homemade with love, would be the only thing that would do in your book. I’ll never know all the hours you spent on that sewing machine, knowing you had a full time job, and taking care of us, but I see you, Mama, and I love you. Thinking of those memorie, led me to think of other memories, so here we go in no particular order… 😉

Do you remember whenever I was in the process of buying my first home? I was nervous it wouldn’t pass inspection because there was a hole in the wall…so you bought stuff to fix the hole…before I knew what was happening we were at that house and you were boosting me through the tiny window in the garage. We fixed that hole & I bought that house. You were there every step of the way, cheering me on. I’ll never forget that.

Do you remember whenever I drove the Durango into that lake in high school? I just knew y’all would never let me drive again. You just picked me up and laughed it off. Thank you for not killing me. 🙂

Do you remember that time you found out I skipped that one class? You made me push mow an overgrown backyard and I had blisters to show for it.

Do you remember when I gave you attitude (again, those high school years…) and you pulled the car over and tickled me in a parking lot? You are so wild with your crazy punishments, but I will never forget them.

Do you remember your “House Blessing” lists you would wake us girls up with, after spraying us with vinegar, to clean up the house after we totally wrecked it? Haha! I am cracking up.

Do you remember when I would drive the Geo Metro in the fields before I had a license and I would sometimes come home with missing hubcaps? Haha! You wouldn’t let us in for dinner until all of those hubcaps were found!

Speaking of the Geo…remember teaching me to drive that stick shift? Haha! All the stalling out…but you wouldn’t let me learn on an automatic, just in case I were ever “stuck in a bind.”

Do you remember you making me manage a checkbook in high school? I didn’t understand then, but I understand now. Thank you for teaching me so many life skills, so naturally.

Do you remember you telling me that the hard times are actually the biggest blessings? Because they require us to lean on God in a way that otherwise we wouldn’t. Thank you for always seeing the positive.

Do you remember when Bridgett and I were gone a little too long in the fields, so you sent Russell to find us? Only to find us trying to glue your antenna back on that poor Geo? Oh my word. Mama, how am I still alive?!

Do you remember that time some guy told me you wouldn’t love me anymore if I told you all the things I had done in my life, and whenever I finished telling you all the things I did, you looked at me and said, “Baby, is that all ya got?!” Thank you for revealing another glimpse of God’s character and love that day. I’ll never forget it.

Do you remember that time I really wanted my own hangout at home? So you bought me one of those little sheds, carpeted it, decorated it and furnished it? You’re seriously too much. Thank you for that, I’ll never forget it.

Do you remember that time I wanted to go to venue appointments for my wedding, and instead of just driving over for the day, you booked a hotel with an ocean view for the night, just because you knew I would love that? I’ll never forget it.

Do you remember that time you had just had your stroke and you got that look in your eye, I’ve seen time and time again (you know, that I am on a mission and I’m going to do what I set my mind to, face) & you said, “Baby, I’m going for a walk.” & you did…and you haven’t stopped since. I won’t ever forget that and I’m so proud of you.

Do you remember that time you had open heart surgery and instead of staying in bed, you tried to pretend like you didn’t just go through major surgery and made a point to get into my room first thing in the morning, just to let me know you were going to be okay…I knew that wasn’t easy, but I also knew you had to do those things for yourself and us. I won’t ever forget it (you hardhead).

Do you remember going shopping before my wedding? You wanted to make sure I had clothes for the honeymoon. But, I also knew you knew our shopping trips wouldn’t be as frequent with me moving states away. I won’t ever forget.

Do you remember going shopping when I first found out I was pregnant? You wanted to make sure I had clothes for the pregnancy. You always go above and beyond, and I’ll never forget it.

Do you remember that time I moved to Louisiana and was terribly homesick? You got in the car and drove over, “Just to let my baby know we are just a drive away…” I won’t ever forget that, Mama. I am tearing up just thinking of it, so let me think of something funny.

Oh yeah, do you remember that time you showed up at my Branford house at 5am, and I thought someone was breaking in?! I’ll leave this one right here…

TWO WORDS: SENTIMENTAL BUNNIES

Do you remember all the dance camps, games, trips? You were there for it all. I don’t know how, but you were, and I won’t ever forget it.

Do you remember making your handmade signs for every homecoming parade? I don’t think I showed you proper appreciation back then, but Mama, I see you and I appreciate you. I will never forget all the things you’ve done for me.
Do you remember each nickname you gave me every time you woke me up in the morning? There’s no way. There was something new everyday and I loved it.

Do you remember driving me home from my wisdom teeth surgery? I don’t. But I am thankful for you! Haha.

Do you remember telling me I’m not scared after having Summer Kate even though I saw in your eyes that you weren’t completely okay yet after everything that happened…? I won’t ever forget you sitting by my side in that ICU room that entire night. I won’t ever, ever forget.

Do you remember that jacuzzi in the mountains? CRACKING UP.

Do you remember when I asked you what you thought about John and I getting married? I was looking for your final stamp of approval. You looked at me and said, “Baby, all these years I have been praying you would have a safe place in a spouse. Someone that will love you just as well on your bad days as he does on your good ones. Someone that you can be completely yourself with and feel safe. I’ve spent my life being a safe place for you and you have found that in John.” Mama, it was exactly the words I needed and you knew that. I love you for that. I’ll never forget that lunch date.

Do you remember when I had just surrendered my life to Jesus and told you I was scared and didn’t know what to do? You quickly responded that I wasn’t scared and that I finally got to be just who God created me to be. I’ll never forget that.

Do you remember that time I was crying because I didn’t want to speak that one time? I was scared. But, you were quick to remind me that I wasn’t scared and that I was created for such a time as this. Thank you for that.

Do you remember when I jumped into the pool alone, “Cause My Can Do It MYSELF?!” Only to quickly realize, “My Can’t Do It Without My Water Wings!” Haha, thank you for rescuing me!

Do you remember when I was a very little girl and a stranger said I was shy? You were quick in your response and you said it loud enough for me to hear, “She is NOT shy! You just don’t know MY girl.” Thank you for speaking life over me that day, I will never forget it.

Speaking of whenever I was little, do you remember counting to 5…five times in a row, after five spankings in a row, just because I wouldn’t pick up my toy purse off of the floor. Talk about strong-willed! (Don’t worry, I have a strong-willed daughter of my own now…) But, I will also remember you always saying that once I got on the right path, nobody could get me off of it, because of that strong-will. Again, thank you for always finding the positive.

Thank you, Mama, for always seeing the best in me and for always being sure to speak it over me. You do it EVERY SINGLE DAY. & you have no idea the impact it carries in my life.

I pray you know on your birthday and every day what a gem you are. You are a bright place in a sometimes dark world. You carry confidence and strength like nobody else. I love you, Mama. I don’t know what I did to deserve to have you as mine, but I am eternally grateful. I could write forever about all of our memories, but I’ll end it here. Just know that you are loved, SO loved. Appreciated, so appreciated.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful! I love you, MOST.

Celebrate 🎉

Today is November 1st, which means in nine days we will have a T W O year old.

Today was full of celebrating …just because we can!😉

My hope and prayer is that celebrating her own life and the life of others will flow from my daughter’s life so naturally. I want her to live in a place of constant overflow. That she will receive well & give well. I pray John and I always affirm her with our words and actions.

We were created to love and to be loved.

So today we did many of our favorite things.

…but before we did we practiced blowing out candles!😂 Getting ready for that November 10th party!🎉

We went & had foffee (coffee) & muk (oatmeal) & a cake pop. (& took some pictures)

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We browsed the toy aisle. (& took some pictures)

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We got her a new lip smacker. (& took some pictures)

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We had ice cream on the beach.(& took some pictures)

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We fed the birds…and then we chased the birds.

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(& took some pictures)

We chased the waves. (& took some pictures)

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We picked up shells. (& took some pictures)

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We pet some dogs. (& took some pictures)

& then she was ready to go bye-bye…so we went bye bye, after we took one last picture.

You know the only picture I regret are the ones I never took. So I will celebrate life & over-document it along the way. 😉

On This Day

I clicked the On This Day feature on Facebook this morning and laughed. On this day, several years ago, my husband and I had gone through all of our clothes/belongings and gotten rid of things we no longer wanted/needed. I laughed because we are doing the same thing this week. It’s funny that in the process of going through everything, how much our house looks like a war zone. Hangers everywhere, Christmas decorations all on the dining room table waiting to be put back in storage, toys, new Christmas presents waiting to find a new home in the house. The old is mixed in with the new and bags of no longer wanted items are bagged up and ready to find a new home. It seems chaotic really, this entire process. But, I’ve done this before and I already know the end result is worth it. There will be a sigh of relief on my end whenever things are cleaner and more organized. Inevitably, John and I will go through this process again. It’s a monthly thing with a one year old. It seems like with each growth spurt my heart overwhelms with pride mixed with sadness because babies don’t keep. But, it’s part of the process.

This morning as I look around and see chaos, I know that it is for only a brief season.

I can see the end from the beginning.

This must be how God sees things as we go through seasons of life that seem chaotic. You know, those moments where He seems nowhere to be found? It’s in those moments He is sorting things out in our lives — getting rid of things that are no longer beneficial to us, so that He can make room for the new gifts that He knows are beneficial and useful for the current season we are in, or the next season we will be in.
As we embrace this process, going through the not-so-fun stages of life, I believe we will begin to experience and enjoy the progress that will ultimately bring us to the end result.

Always remember, that in the middle of chaos or a storm of any kind, God is well able to fill your heart with His peace. I don’t know how He does it, but I’ve experienced it, and I know He is able.
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.”

The Message – Philippians 4:6-7

It Won’t Be Easy

I have known that I was meant to share this for months, but haven’t because it’s something so private & close to my heart; something that isn’t black and white, something still foggy, but I know happened.

To make a very long story short, I hemorrhaged after having my daughter, which led to an emergency surgery.

After losing the entirety of my blood volume, it’s nothing short of a miracle that I am alive today.

I’ll never forget the questions I asked after that operation as they wheeled me from the operating room to the ICU.

“Am I alive? Who am I?”

I asked as they took me down that bright hallway. I also was asking for my father, but that’s for another blog post.

It was seriously the weirdest feeling. I had my husband on one side saying,

“Yes, you are alive. Repeat after me. I am Shauna, I am a mighty woman of God.”

& as I looked to the other side, there stood my mom & dad.

The looks on their faces revealed what they had just been through.

As I sit here, reflecting, it all feels like a dream.

Was that really me? Did I really almost die? Was I really in an emergency surgery where doctors & nurses didn’t think I would make it, but my family on their knees praying gave them the motivation to keep trying? How did the most exciting day turn so quickly?

I prayed, “Lord, bring clarity to those two hours that I can only remember in snapshots.”

One day it came. Although, I kept asking myself…am I making this up? The more I thought, the more I realized, this wasn’t something I could just make up.

The doctors worked tirelessly to find the bleeder. I was unconscious, but there is this one moment that keeps coming back to me. It was almost like an inner conversation in a room of nothing. Much like when I pray mentally without physically speaking. It was like I felt God say,

“If you stay it won’t be easy.”

I can remember the feeling of being able to give up, but fighting to stay. There was an inner knowing that if I chose to stay that it wouldn’t be easy. But isn’t that what life is while we are on earth? Not easy? I mean it is recorded in the book of John that Jesus said that in this life we would have hard times, but we are to be of good cheer because He has overcome the world. I just remember so desperately wanting to raise my daughter.

As soon as I made the decision to stay, it was like everything zoomed back & things were fast forwarded.

Oxygen masks, tubes, x-rays, needles, nurses, doctors, franticness…being wheeled to the ICU not knowing who I was for a few minutes, asking if I were alive, realizing I was indeed alive and quickly remembering I was a mama & there was a little somebody I needed to get strong for really fast. I will forever be convinced my little girl willed me back to life (along with so many prayers from countless others).

The verse that keeps coming to mind is Philippians 1:21,

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”

You see, if I were to die that night, I know exactly where I would have gone. I would have gone on to my forever home. But in my staying here, I live for Christ. I live to raise my girl in Christ. I live to point others to Christ. I also know this, if I hadn’t survived that night, God’s still good and He is still on the throne.

Why am I posting this almost a year later? To let you know that He is so very, very real. To let you know that He loves you. That He understands that life here on earth isn’t easy, but with Him on your side, He gives you the grace and power to walk out your journey; your battles & victories. We need Him. We may not always recognize our need for Him, but we do need Him and He wants us.

In my midnight hour of choosing, the only thing that mattered was that I knew Him, and I do. I don’t get everything perfect, but I know Him. I have a relationship with Him. I know His voice, His comfort, His healing hand, His power at work within my life.

I write you to let you know that eternal life can start right now for you because eternal life is knowing Him. Oh, the peace in knowing Him. The love that He has for you is without limits. When I was on the brink of dying, do you know what mattered? That relationship that I am talking about. I will never forget realizing in that moment that it wasn’t my done “To-Do” lists that mattered. It wasn’t knocking out a solid “quiet time” everyday. It wasn’t my accomplishments. Even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with either of those things, because in all honesty, I totally enjoy conquering to-do lists & there’s nothing I enjoy more than resting in His presence while soaking up His Word. But, what mattered in THAT moment was that I knew Him.

All of that to ask you this one question.

Do you know Jesus?

If you don’t, you need to know Him and He is longing to be in relationship with you.

Our Heavenly Father sent His Son, Jesus, to this earth over 2,000 years ago.

Jesus died on a cross for our sins so that we could be reconciled to our Father & have relationship with Him.

He closed the gap for us so that we wouldn’t be separated for all eternity.

It says in His Word that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

It also says in His Word that when we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful to forgive them.

It starts there.

He will lead and guide you every single step of the way. How do I know? Because He has done it for me and if He did it for me, He can do it for whosoever will take Him at His word.

If you want that relationship with Him, pray this prayer out loud, right where you are & begin your new life in Him.

Jesus, I know that I have sinned and am in need of a Savior.

I believe that when you went to the Cross, you went there for me and all my sins.

I trust You to save me right now. I give you my life.

Today, I know I’m saved and that You forgive me, but help me to understand what it means

to live for you every day.

Amen.

Whenever I surrendered my life to Jesus, I remember the person that prayed with me told me that it wasn’t going to be magic. That I was daily going to have to choose Jesus, choose His ways over my own. I’ll say in the daily surrender is where true life is found.

I say all of that, but still want to say all of this.

The day I was released from the hospital I read an article about a new mother who lost her life the day mine was restored. My heart was broken and I couldn’t help but ask the question, “Why?” Why did I get to raise my daughter and this woman didn’t. Since that day, I have witnessed so many others get awful, tragic news and the natural response in my heart is to be totally broken with these people who are hurting. I will never know all of the answers, but, this is what I have learned to do in the midst of not knowing answers: to reflect on what I know to be true about God & His ways. Here’s what I know: God can turn any evil or hard thing around for His good. He promises to comfort us through hard times & He expects us to comfort others in their time of need. When someone is going through their hardest days, be present and grieve with them, all the while praying. He gives peace and hope that surpasses all understanding in the midst of our darkest days & moments.

He is able to do more than we think, ask, or imagine & sometimes that means using the things that have hurt our hearts the most for His glory, as His strength in our lives shine through every crack that the enemy tried to use to break us.

5 Reasons You Should Get in that Picture, Mama!

It was the perfect day. A sunny, 75 degree, Florida day & I decided to take my daughter down to the beach.

Has anyone ever told you running down to the beach (or going anywhere for that matter) isn’t quite as easy with a baby in tow as it was in those pre-baby days?

I know I was a sight – baby in one arm, beach gear in the other. I struggled down the walkway, dropped our umbrella, her hat flew off one time, almost tripped over our blanket…lookin’ like mom of the year, I tell ya!

Once we were all set up, I decided that this beach day was meant for letting her little feet touch the ocean water and dig her toes in the sand for the first time.

While down at the water a sweet lady came down and asked if I wanted some pictures with my little girl, I said sure, and let me tell you, photos she took! I wasn’t even ready for a picture, but she was steady snapping away. I told her thank you, and shortly after, Summer & I headed back home.

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Once we were home, Summer went down for a nap and I decided to look at the pictures from earlier. As I looked at the full body shots of Summer and I without my cover on, I have to be totally honest, I cringed. I wanted to tear my body apart, piece by piece, letting it know every area it fell short. I am still carrying around an extra 20 pounds that I gained during pregnancy. If I were to be led by feelings of insecurity that have tried to grip me in recent months, I would never have pictures of my daughter and I.

Which leads me to the reason for this post…

Mamas, you need to be in that picture, too!

I know, I know, your little is so cute…but I know the way your children are looking at you.

My guess is they are giving you that same cheeky little smile that Summer shoots my way.

& that is why I decided to come up with some reasons why us moms need to be in the pictures, too.

1. You will remember these moments, but chances are, your little one will not. Take pictures, but more importantly, get in the pictures. Your future self and children will thank you!

2. Your children are watching. Lead by example by living in the moment. Capture yourself with your kids having fun. Let’s not get clouded by self-critiques and insecurities of our bodies. Life is so much more than insecurities. Our children are reason enough to fight off the feelings that try to bring us down. Show them that living in the moment, loving life and loving yourself is more important than being self critical.

3. It’s okay not being content with where your body is currently, but don’t hate yourself, love yourself enough to work towards your goals & take pictures with your littles in the meantime. It is great to have goals, I have several, one of them being to lose the extra pounds pregnancy brought on. I know that I will lose the extra weight, but life isn’t on pause while I wait for that day.

4. You are the only one seeing what you are seeing. We notice things about ourselves that others will never notice. Give yourself some love & grace, you just gave birth to a miracle.

5. Your babies think you are the most wonderful thing that has happened to them. We have to capture the way they look at us. Why? Because you matter. You know the way you look at your little one? All googly eyed? They look at you the same way. You are worthy of being documented. They don’t view us through a lens of insecurity, they look at us through a lens of love.

Take too many photos, for when the moment is gone, the memories and photos will remain.