It Won’t Be Easy

I have known that I was meant to share this for months, but haven’t because it’s something so private & close to my heart; something that isn’t black and white, something still foggy, but I know happened.

To make a very long story short,  I hemorrhaged after having my daughter, which led to an emergency surgery.

After losing the entirety of my blood volume, it’s nothing short of a miracle that I am alive today.

I’ll never forget the questions I asked after that operation as they wheeled me from the operating room to the ICU.

“Am I alive? Who am I?”

I asked as they took me down that bright hallway. I also was asking for my father, but that’s for another blog post.

It was seriously the weirdest feeling. I had my husband on one side saying,

“Yes, you are alive. Repeat after me. I am Shauna, I am a mighty woman of God.”

& as I looked to the other side, there stood my mom & dad.

The looks on their faces revealed what they had just been through.

As I sit here, reflecting, it all feels like a dream.

Was that really me? Did I really almost die? Was I really in an emergency surgery where doctors & nurses didn’t think I would make it, but my family on their knees praying gave them the motivation to keep trying? How did the most exciting day turn so quickly?

I prayed,  “Lord, bring clarity to those two hours that I can only remember in snapshots.”

One day it came. Although, I kept asking myself…am I making this up? The more I thought, the more I realized, this wasn’t something I could just make up.

The doctors worked tirelessly to find the bleeder. I was unconscious, but there is this one moment that keeps coming back to me. It was almost like an inner conversation in a room of nothing. Much like when I pray mentally without physically speaking. It was like I felt God say,

“If you stay it won’t be easy.”

I can remember the feeling of being able to give up, but fighting to stay. There was an inner knowing that if I chose to stay that it wouldn’t be easy. But isn’t that what life is while we are on earth? Not easy? I mean it is recorded in the book of John that Jesus said that in this life we would have hard times, but we are to be of good cheer because He has overcome the world. I just remember so desperately wanting to raise my daughter.

As soon as I made the decision to stay, it was like everything zoomed back & things were fast forwarded.

Oxygen masks, tubes, x-rays, needles, nurses, doctors, franticness…being wheeled to the ICU not knowing who I was for a few minutes, asking if I were alive, realizing I was indeed alive and quickly remembering I was a mama & there was a little somebody I needed to get strong for really fast. I will forever be convinced my little girl willed me back to life (along with so many prayers from countless others).

The verse that keeps coming to mind is Philippians 1:21,

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.”

You see, if I were to die that night, I know exactly where I would have gone. I would have gone on to my forever home. But in my staying here, I live for Christ. I live to raise my girl in Christ. I live to point others to Christ. I also know this, if I hadn’t survived that night, God’s still good and He is still on the throne.

Why am I posting this almost a year later? To let you know that He is so very, very real. To let you know that He loves you. That He understands that life here on earth isn’t easy, but with Him on your side, He gives you the grace and power to walk out your journey; your battles & victories. We need Him. We may not always recognize our need for Him, but we do need Him and He wants us.

In my midnight hour of choosing, the only thing that mattered was that I knew Him, and I do. I don’t get everything perfect, but I know Him. I have a relationship with Him. I know His voice, His comfort, His healing hand, His power at work within my life.

I write you to let you know that eternal life can start right now for you because eternal life is knowing Him. Oh, the peace in knowing Him. The love that He has for you is without limits. When I was on the brink of dying, do you know what mattered? That relationship that I am talking about. I will never forget realizing in that moment that it wasn’t my done “To-Do” lists that mattered. It wasn’t knocking out a solid “quiet time” everyday. It wasn’t my accomplishments. Even though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with either of those things, because in all honesty, I totally enjoy conquering  to-do lists & there’s nothing I enjoy more than resting in His presence while soaking up His Word. But, what mattered in THAT moment was that I knew Him.

All of that to ask you this one question.

Do you know Jesus?

If you don’t, you need to know Him and He is longing to be in relationship with you.

Our Heavenly Father sent His Son, Jesus, to this earth over 2,000 years ago.

Jesus died on a cross for our sins so that we could be reconciled to our Father & have relationship with Him.

He closed the gap for us so that we wouldn’t be separated for all eternity.

It says in His Word that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.

It also says in His Word that when we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful to forgive them.

It starts there.  

He will lead and guide you every single step of the way. How do I know? Because He has done it for me and if He did it for me, He can do it for whosoever will take Him at His word.

If you want that relationship with Him, pray this prayer out loud, right where you are & begin your new life in Him.

Jesus, I know that I have sinned and am in need of a Savior.

I believe that when you went to the Cross, you went there for me and all my sins.

I trust You to save me right now. I give you my life.

Today, I know I’m saved and that You forgive me, but help me to understand what it means

to live for you every day.

Amen.

Whenever I surrendered my life to Jesus, I remember the person that prayed with me told me that it wasn’t going to be magic. That I was daily going to have to choose Jesus, choose His ways over my own. I’ll say in the daily surrender is where true life is found.

I say all of that, but still want to say all of this.

The day I was released from the hospital I read an article about a new mother who lost her life the day mine was restored. My heart was broken and I couldn’t help but ask the  question, “Why?” Why did I get to raise my daughter and this woman didn’t. Since that day, I have witnessed so many others get awful, tragic news and the natural response in my heart is to be totally broken with these people who are hurting. I will never know all of the answers, but, this is what I have learned to do in the midst of not knowing answers: to reflect on what I know to be true about God & His ways. Here’s what I know: God can turn any evil or hard thing around for His good. He promises to comfort us through hard times & He expects us to comfort others in their time of need. When someone is going through their hardest days, be present and grieve with them, all the while praying.  He gives peace and hope that surpasses all understanding in the midst of our darkest days & moments.

He is able to do more than we think, ask, or imagine & sometimes that means using the things that have hurt our hearts the most for His glory, as His strength in our lives shine through every crack that the enemy tried to use to break us.